Lately I’ve been going through something. To be honest, I’m not even sure of how to articulate what that something is. The closest I can come to describing it is a struggle between darkness and light. Not in the sense of good vs evil. More along the lines of light = goodness, joy, and a sense of being carefree vs darkness = worry, trying to force life to go my way, and fear that it won’t.
I’ve been feeling as if there is a wall around me preventing me from moving forward in my life, a wall that I’m fighting with, and I’ve suspected that it’s a wall of my own creation. And yet I haven’t quite been able to figure out what that wall is made of. Or how to break it down. Or climb over it. Or even to accept its presence. I keep running into that wall trying to knock it down with some sort of brute force, with a sense of fortitude or force of personality. Or trying to out-think it.
And nothing’s working.
Needless to say, it’s been a struggle. Uncomfortable. Like shedding an old skin that no longer fits. Have you ever been through something like this? Perhaps you have. I’m guessing that most people who have a desire for consciousness and growth have probably felt something similar.
At the same time, and probably not so coincidentally, I’ve also been going through what I will call a spiritual awakening. Seems that I’ve come to a point in my life when I’ve felt a strong urge to delve a bit deeper into my spiritual life. Not that I haven’t always been a spiritual person, because I have. But more in a practical sense. Accepting that there’s more than I can understand and appreciating that there’s a presence of something out there, but only allowing it into my life in a very “it is what it is” kind of application. Passive application versus active participation, I suppose.
And now that’s changing. A whole other world is opening up to me. And I find it amazing and comforting. But do I trust it? Perhaps that is one of the questions that I am railing against.
Do I trust that presence, that life force, to guide me in my life to where I should be? I suspect that this is one of the bricks of the wall that is building such a barrier for my forward movement right now.
However, just this morning, after yet another night of angst of wondering how to proceed to make my life what I think it should be, what I desperately want it to be, another night of doubt, another night of fighting against something – perhaps only against myself – I began to realize what is holding me back. I began to identify at least one of the bricks of the wall that I have built, the wall that holds me back and encompasses my heart and soul.
Such a simple word, and yet so very powerful.
Fear that I will always be stuck in my current situation. Fear that I will not become the person I was meant to be. Fear that I will not be able to expand my world in the way that I want to. Fear that people whom I feel I need so dearly will not come into my life. Fear that I will always be alone. Fear that my youth is fleeting and that time is wasting. Fear that I won’t ever be able to do the things that mean so much to me. Fear that I won’t meet my potential. Fear that I will come to the end of my days filled with regrets.
That’s a lot of fear.
No wonder I’ve been feeling like there’s a wall around me holding me back.
Now it’s probably not that surprising that the great fear wall has surfaced at the same time as the spiritual awakening. I’m guessing that they go hand-in-hand. The essence of darkness vs light.
I suppose it’s a question of trust. Will I trust that to which I am opening my heart and mind and soul? Will I really allow it to come into my life in a way that is meaningful? Will I allow it to break down those walls? Will I let go of constantly trying to control things that are likely not controllable? Will I truly believe?
Some of these questions aren’t just about the mystical, but about acceptance. Will I accept who I am and where I am in my life?
This is not to say that I can’t make an effort to change my lot in life, because I believe wholeheartedly that I can and that each and every one of us can. But I think that first it’s essential to put down the sword and stop fighting against oneself. To accept that things may not be how we like them right at this moment and yet we still need to find it in our hearts to love ourselves and our lives right now, right as things are, right this very minute.
To accept that it is OK to be where we are right now and to feel exactly how we feel right at this moment in time, even if it’s not perfect or happy. Even if it’s scary as hell.
To find joy in this very moment, even if really sucky things are happening. Accepting that this, too, this moment that is uncomfortable or maybe even unhappy, is just as much a part of our beautiful life experience as the most joyous and wonderful moment.
I’m thinking that only then can we rise like the phoenix from the ashes and truly move forward in life. Accepting all and loving all that we are given. Fully and wholly. Now that’s what I call a resurrection of a human life and the human spirit.